| type too fast, do you. |
[14 Jan 2005|01:00pm] |
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i want to rewind, rewind, rewind.
& fast forward.
today is numb.
not knowing what i feel about anything.
not understanding mistakes & decisions.
wondering what to do about everything & not understanding where to go or who to look at.
i mess up most of what i do.
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[05 Dec 2004|11:43pm] |
i miss everything, too.
no. really.
cos there's always this sinking feeling that things will never be this or that good again.
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[03 Sep 2004|12:42am] |
i figured it out.
we both have crooked faces.
this is the time that i need to start praying.
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| je taime. |
[22 Aug 2004|10:48pm] |
roll the window down,
this cool night air is curious.
let the whole world look in.
who cares who sees anything...
alone with the music. it's good & it's better & it's best.
the beginning of a new tomorrow.
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[17 Aug 2004|09:06pm] |
i hate that girl.
whatev.
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| i'm only eighteen. |
[15 Aug 2004|11:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
spending too much time reworking the underwire back into my favorite teal victoria's secret bra.
spending a lot of time reading live journals.
spending a lot of time thinking about when i was fifteen&sixteen. who i was then. who i am now.
spending too much time missing the inevitable.
spending too much money.
spending too many tears over tiny insignificant happenings.
i mean i'm scared because my dad payed three thousand dollars so i'd have insurance till december. i mean i'm scared because my dad is divorcing my mom. i mean i'm scared because we're flat as a fourteen year old broke. i mean i'm scared no one will ever love me back & for who i am as opposed to my willingness to succumb to physicality. i mean i'm scared of the dark. i mean i'm scared of growing up & getting a real job & moving out & being alone.
spending too much time remembering how involved i used to be in everything i did.
but remembering how i was never really involved in anything but my own feelings & music & being heartbroken. cos that's all i know best.
sicktodeath.
spending too much time hoping things will turn out the way i want them too.
spending too much time wanting people, so many people, to change and fit the molds i have for them inside my head.
spending too much time picking out undershirts & socks & shoes.
spending too much time wasting my life away over everything.
spending too much time letting people walk all over me.
spending too much time not being happy and seeing everything that i have.
this is the entire world & i am SIGNIFICANT.
i am worth something to someone.
someone someday.
the way i crane my neck will matter
he noticed the way i rub my feet.
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[12 Aug 2004|11:32pm] |
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i want this to be what i want it to be.
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| quietly alone. |
[09 Aug 2004|03:12pm] |
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when it comes down to what is & what was
that's when you begin to wonder why the colors are all fading
but it's not even fall yet
& why you were picked to be left behind
& thrusted into a spot where your square edges don't exactly fit into the circular mold
always wondering why.
being on the giving end, screaming for receivers
wanting to be in a different place,
a different state
where we're the only people we know
& where there's always room for error.
missing kisses
&
needing hands
&
grabbing at arms that aren't there.
scared to death of the emptiness & trying
to believe my day will come.
i honestly consider the weight of the circumstantial decisions & i understand
that not everything can be mapped out & planned
so i surrender myself &
everything that i know
just so that maybe
i can smile again & be where i'm supposed to go.
you stuck to my request and i let the walls fall down.
but it's good.
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[04 Aug 2004|11:53pm] |
type type type like someone cares.
jami's calling. let me pick it up and be excited.
i miss her.
whatever.
people don't get teary eyed over jay.
something's gotta give.
i can't be this way anymore.
people always want the one thing they dont need or cant have. like money, love, or earthworms.
i hate earthworms.
an usher song. an avril lavigne song. a yellowcard song. a graham colton song. a goldfinger song. a brand new song.
god to be elusive.
to be secretive and quiet.
to have something to hold onto of my own.
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| and so it is. |
[02 Aug 2004|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
so stupidly drifting over highways and backyards
finding the pocket of the time space continuum
where the music hits wrong on your ears
& the light bends ever so slightly with each passing storm
never knowing what's beyond the reach of the headlights & hoping
you'll look this way almost as much as hoping you won't.
i could always wonder who notices the way i cut my eyes
who knows why i believe in christmas lights.
anxiously awaiting
realizing the beauty & understanding
in milk & spaghetti
finding solace in bedsheets & waiting on god to call me up on my phone.
overlooking the canopy & seeing the stars
i'm sitting & i'm being content.
needing a long conversation to hold me over through the night
but knowing that silence won't warm me up.
keep it real.
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[26 Jul 2004|01:48am] |
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i took too many loratabs for tonight's events.
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[08 Jul 2004|04:14pm] |
i forgot that i was nineteen.
i called that number... that number i'd known for so long. upon realizing i wasn't hearing a busy signal i hung up. no one ever calls like they say they will.
being left without a group to call my own... no one dialing my number. no one stopping by my house. i miss the old days. the old old days.
finding myself in this inbetween.
inbetween school, jobs, friends, loves...
i just need to find a place for myself.
but i hate this feeling alone.
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[07 Jul 2004|12:32pm] |
and it starts.
i hate this.
now they will have each other.
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[12 Jun 2004|12:21pm] |
i hate secret livejournals.
liars.
ex girlfriends.
fake friends.
thinking you know and finding out you have no idea.
being this way.
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[13 May 2004|10:12pm] |
i have a new livejournal.
this one holds far too much, and i just don't have the heart to delete it.
im making it friends only, so, you know the drill.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) one_moretime
this is me being jay.
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| it would rain. |
[13 May 2004|12:05pm] |
sorry, laura. i hope you understand.
_____________
i see something in your face that you're not telling me.
but i'm not going to ask any more questions.
i just hope that one day i can make you happy.
i love you.
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[08 May 2004|08:09pm] |
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oftentimes too emotional.
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| thinking of yesterday and tomorrow. |
[05 May 2004|10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
and so in the dark
i'd appreciate it if you'd hold my hand a little tighter
cos its the drag and drone of my day to day
that often gets to my head and makes me stray
never meaning to cause interrogation
only wanting clarification
simply needing the brighter stars on the night sky's horizon
so while everything eats me up and burns me down
you should know that every tear shed is a promise
may it be to hard for you to understand
and it might not make sense
but my way of saying three words
( on the other side, i... )
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